Category Archives: Sadness

Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc

Being from the Marxist-stronghold of Portland, Oregon, it’s assumed I was raised on a commune, regularly danced around the Maypole, helped construct the family car from found items and that it ran on organic vegetable scraps and our excess smugness.

Well, that last part might be true.

Watching my siblings grow into adults has been fascinating.  I was not dumb enough to believe we would all embrace identical religious and political affiliations, but I did expect some similarities; little bits of common ground and shared philosophical ideals.

I’ve been shocked by the sexism, the racism and the anti-Semitic ramblings from members of my own family.  Regurgitating the rantings of extremists-cum-pundits as fact has filled me with anger.  “You are better than this!  You are smarter than this!” I say over and over.

They say the same to me.

Recently, I was told the September 11th Attacks were an inside job.  We need more guns.  The government is ruled by tyrants.  It’s time for a revolution.  And I’m a bad American for not believing the same.

And I’ve been sad ever since.

I look at these people, my siblings, and wonder what happened?  Identical upbringings and opportunities and yet, we are foreigners to each other.  We are not the first family to get angry, roll our eyes or disagree on everything.  This feels different.  Lines have been drawn and they’ve given way to vast fissures.

We’ve never been close and I don’t feel as if I’m actually losing anything tangible.  As members of the next generation are being born, it’s the damn potential for which I grieve.


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Heal the broken hearted and bind up their wounds


Posted by on 15 December 2012 in Sadness


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Natura Naturata

The American Experience can be summed up with idealistic stereotypes and humor.  I believe it also includes unforgiving terror in the form of mass public shootings.

I heard “Clackamas” and knowing this is a word indigenous to Oregon, I was intrigued and then filled with sadness upon seeing the following words: “mall”, “masked gunman” and “victims”.

I was born in 1980.  I can name 10 mass/public shootings from memory.  During my lifetime, there have been 56 in schools alone.

Yesterday, I watched my hometown make international news, for something that has become uniquely American.

Today, people in power within my country will continue to avoid having a national conversation about guns, gun control and gun violence.

Today, the only voices to be heard will be from the NRA and their right-wing mouthpieces.

Today, I will continue arguing will ill-advised members of my family.

Tomorrow, it will start to fade from our collective memories.  Until the next one.



Posted by on 12 December 2012 in Anger, Broken Stuff, Sadness


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Spontaneous Combustion

When a seemingly innocuous statement from a stranger causes you to burst into tears in public, the realization that you need help can no longer be denied.

I’m profoundly sad.  About everything it seems.  And I have been this way for so long, that I am convinced “happy” is out of reach so I will settle for “content”.  However, I find the problem with content is the ever-changing parameters.

I should be in Portland right now.  But knowing if I boarded that airplane, I would not return to Charlotte made the cancellation fee worth it.

It feels rather strange putting this all out there.  Many of you are strangers, but somehow, it eases the isolation.


Posted by on 30 October 2012 in Broken Stuff, Sadness




Penn State.




Boy Scouts of America.




Please share some good news.


Posted by on 23 July 2012 in Sadness



Not on the Life List: Give a Eulogy

A bittersweet trip back home.

But necessary.

I have never given a eulogy; a honorable thing to do, but it also comes with guilt, self-doubt and a profound feeling that no matter what you say, it will not be enough.

The woman we celebrated loved all forms of life, especially flowers.  Which makes sense seeing as she had a botanical name.

She would kill me for being this sad for this long.  Let’s move forward, shall we?

Tomorrow I will have photos of food.

Friday I leave for Europe.  For 21 days.  A most welcome respite.

Thanks for waiting.


Posted by on 12 June 2012 in Photographs, Sadness


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And So…

For the second time in three years, I will help my best friend write an obituary for a parent.

Her mother had been in my life for nearly 22 years.  That is before my youngest siblings were born.  She was obnoxious, loud and opinionated.  She was also profoundly spiritual and had no problem hurling vicious insults at the Catholic Church while reciting a prayer in the same breath.

She was the first adult I uttered the word “fuck” in front of.  She was there when the relationship between my father and myself disintegrated into something ugly and unforgivable.

The human race just got a bit more boring.

Things may be sparse around these parts for a bit.


Posted by on 23 May 2012 in Sadness




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